Last week I sat on the couch and bawled my eyes out. I spent days and nights watching Gilmore Girls and just trying to let my sadness subside. It wasn’t pretty but it was where I needed to be. 6 weeks ago the truth of just how bad my injury was/is was finally revealed. It involved x-rays and seeing many different medical professionals on the same day and a phone call that I’d like to forget. Final diagnosis: my hip is in bad shape and I can’t run for a year. It really hit home last week.
There will be lots of recovery work to do and I have to be the one who makes it happen. The news was nothing short of heartbreaking for me, some days it still is. Last week was the toughest. Half marathon day came and went and I didn’t race. I cheered my lovely team on and I hugged them and was excited for all they had achieved (both individually and as a team).
Then the sadness from the immensity of the road ahead of me hit me like a kick to the guts. My brain switched off and I did what I needed to do but not much more. My rehab exercises got done and I answered emails and wrote blog posts where I could and then I sat on my couch and visited Stars Hollow. I’m not proud of it, but sometimes real is better than a hightlights reel of someone who nothing can faze.
People have suggested that this is a blessing to not be able to run. To not “have” to do exercise. A free pass. Maybe a year ago I would have agreed with them. But not now. I love running. I love the feeling of a light breeze hitting my face as I pound up a hill hoping the top arrives soon. I love the swoosh of running down a hill as fast as I can. I love the sunshine and the rain and the 2 hours to myself. I love running in the ridiculous heat, chasing the sunrise on a hot summer’s morning. But none of that is mine to enjoy anymore. Not for a year at least.
I will get past it. But right now it sucks. It’s taken my confidence away right at a time I needed it the most. Sometimes things will be sent to try you and you won’t feel like fighting back right away, as hard as you can. Sometimes it’s a slow and steady recovery. Sometimes it will take a few crappy weeks of tears and sitting on the couch asking “why now?”, and that’s all part of the process.
I’m a big believer in letting things run their course. Sometimes we can’t find the silver lining that we’re looking for if we don’t stop long enough to react to what has happened. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses (though I sometimes wish it was) and even the happiest of homes will sometimes need to be the sanctuary that you need to hibernate in whilst you deal with whatever has given you a kick in the guts. And isn’t that what a happy home should be? Not only a place where laughter reigns but a place that you feel safe enough to be you in that moment?
Today the sun is shining and I’m feeling better. I’m making time to do the things I enjoy most, like crafting and preparing gifts for Christmas time. I’m talking with my Physio about starting a new form of exercise that will aid my recovery and help me to get strong enough that injuries become less of a problem for me. I’m thinking long term again and looking forward to spending less time on the couch.
Sometimes you just need to know that you’re not alone in this and that there’s a(n injury-free) light at the end of the tunnel. Tough weeks happen, but thankfully they have an end to them too.
What’s your strategy for a tough week? Is yours DVDs and apple pie too or something else?